The Long Day is Over
by Nora-lmc
Summary: Finished Epilogue is up! spoilers for 10.10 and 10.11 Carter returns from Africa and he and Abby attempt to co-exist at County
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. If they did ER would be having a very different season.  
  
Spoilers: Up to and including 10.10 and 10.11  
  
Summary: Carter returns from Africa and he and Abby try to coexist at County.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
The days go by quickly. That's how I respond when asked how one completes medical school while working part-time as an ER nurse. And that statement is completely true while simultaneously being a boldfaced lie. The days do go by quickly; I am so busy with my studies and trying to look like I know what I am doing that I have very few spare moments to let my thoughts take me out of the reality that is the hospital. But occasionally I do have those spare moments, a cigarette break here, a long ride in the elevator there, and those moments go by at a snail's pace. Because it is in those moments that I catch myself asking these haunting questions;  
  
"What if I wouldn't have asked for my key back?"  
  
"What if I wouldn't have brought Eric to the funeral?"  
  
"What if I would have told him I loved him?"  
  
"What if I wasn't so damn afraid to take a risk?"  
  
"Why couldn't I accept the fact that someone might care about me enough to put up with my crazy family and the emotional scars they have left me with?"  
  
I've told myself that it is silly to think about these things. Carter is in Africa, and for all I know he may never be back. See, one thing we have in common is that we both run away from our issues. We shove them back into the dark recesses of our souls until they manifest themselves in unhealthy ways. Such as addiction. Or fear of commitment. Or sabotaging any chance of true happiness you may have. Or running away to Africa under a guise of fulfilling your destiny as a doctor. So after I received my letter from John, I decided that it was time to face my demons head on. I started going to AA. I went back to med school. I told my brother that I couldn't support him until he started taking care of himself. And I finally admitted to myself that I had hurt the one person I had ever truly been in love with by pushing him away until he could no longer take it.  
  
"Hey Abby!" Susan rescues me from my thoughts once again as she flags me down. "Are you on med student duty or nurse duty right now?"  
  
I glance down at my in descript scrubs and realize that I could probably answer either way. "That depends, what do you need?"  
  
"Pablo has to pee and I need a urine sample."  
  
I look at Susan and make a face. "Wrong answer."  
  
"So you're on a med student shift?"  
  
"Wrong again," I smirk. "I was actually off 10 minutes ago, I was just checking up on a patient."  
  
Susan gives me a sly smile. "So that means that you are free for dinner."  
  
"Once again, that depends. What do you need?"  
  
Susan looks towards me with pleading eyes. "I need someone to get me out dinner with my mom."  
  
I shrug my shoulders. "Sorry, as much as I can sympathize with the need to avoid a healthy dose of familial dysfunction, I've been on for 24 hours and am on in another 12. I need to study and sleep."  
  
"Fine" Susan pouts, "but we should get together soon."  
  
"Sure. 'Night Susan."  
  
"Goodnight."  
  
As I head home I realize that I am lucky. Lucky to have a friend like Susan. Lucky to be in medical school, pursuing a dream I have had since I was a child. But that still can't stop that nagging feeling that something is not quite right. That something is missing. That someone is missing. "Stop it Abby!" I curse myself under my breath. I promised myself that I would no longer wallow in self-pity and doubt. That I would take all of the anger and hurt that I felt and use it as motivation to better myself. For the most part I had. I can honestly say that on some level I am happier than I have been in a long time. My work is satisfying, I have opened myself up to new friendships and I am actively working on my recovery. And the longer I go without living in self-doubt and fear, the easier in becomes. I am proud of myself. I like myself. Unfortunately, I still have moments like these, sitting on the El, headed back to an empty apartment. Because as proud as I am of my self-improvements, I want someone to share them with. I want to share them with John.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
I sometimes wish I could share the experiences I had in Africa with Abby. The amazing sunsets that paint the sky with colors I never knew existed, the people, who have so little yet possess such an enormous capacity for love, and the satisfaction one feels from working in a land where every bit of help counts. But then I remember that Abby and I will never share experiences like these again. Because I've moved on. I've stopped the pattern of Abby pushing me away, me getting hurt. I have a new life now. I just wish I could stop thinking about the old one.  
  
Shortly after I sent Luka home with my letter to Abby I met Kem. She was confident, strong and beautiful. I was instantly attracted to her. She made me laugh, and more importantly, made me forget about my life back in Chicago. We slept together only once, and, despite using a condom, that one time resulted in pregnancy. At first I was shocked and overwhelmed, but as time went on, the idea grew on me. John Carter the father. The empty feeling that had been gnawing away at my stomach for months began to disappear. I jumped into the expectant father role with renewed energy. I arranged for the two of us to fly back to Chicago so that Kem could receive proper prenatal care. We moved into the mansion, as I had stopped paying rent on my apartment after I left for Africa the second time. It was a little embarrassing to be surrounded by so much wealth after witnessing such horrific poverty. Kem made more than a few comments about the injustices of the United States while I was giving her the tour. We still weren't sleeping together; before we discovered Kem was pregnant we had agreed that we were better off as friends. However, since we have arrived in Chicago, Kem has been pushing for us to further develop our relationship. "For the baby's sake" she explained. And although I desperately want to have romantic feelings for her, I just can not make myself feel something that is not there. But she is the mother of my child, so I know I have to try.  
  
"Are you going to bed soon John?" Kem's voice snaps me back to reality.  
  
"In a little while. I 'm too wired to sleep right now," I reply.  
  
Kem cocks her head to the side and asks, "Are you nervous about going back to work tomorrow."  
  
"A little," I reply truthfully.  
  
"Well, don't forget, I'll be there at 2:00 for our sonogram."  
  
I smile at the thought of our first look at our child. "Don't worry, I wouldn't miss it for the world."  
  
Kem returns my smile, then turns around and calls over her shoulder, "'Night John."  
  
As I watch her walk away I find myself wondering if Abby will be working tomorrow. I convince myself it is because I want to know if I should prepare myself for an awkward situation, but deep down I know that its because I miss her. And that realization makes me wish I am back in Africa, where the rules are different, and I do not have to face the hurt and pain that we inflicted upon each other.  
  
Authors note: I didn't want to say this at the beginning, but this is my first attempt at writing fanfiction. Therefore, any CONSTRUCTIVE criticism would be immensely appreciated. Also, I would love to have a Beta, especially for formatting the text; I don't know how to make it look like I want it to! I have the whole story mapped out, let me know if I should continue. Thanks! 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer:  These characters do not belong to me.  If they did ER would be having a very different season.

Spoilers:  Up to and including 10.10 and 10.11

Summary:  Carter returns from Africa and he and Abby try to coexist at County.

Chapter 2

            I'm exhausted.  Days like today make me question my decision to go back to medical school.  I am currently completing my ER rotation and today has been hell.  Trauma after trauma.  Weaver barking orders at me left and right.  Irritable patients.  Vomiting patients. Too many patients.  All I want to do is go home, take a hot bath and sleep until next month.  Unfortunately, I just heard a rumor that Chuny called in sick, and because I know she'll want me to cover, I've been doing my best to avoid Weaver.

"ABBY!"  Shit.  So much for avoidance.  I keep walking, pretending I don't hear the loud voice that is calling my name.

"ABBY!"  Oh well.  I guess she isn't giving up that easily.  I slowly turn around, trying to put on as pleasant of a smile that I can muster.

"Oh, sorry Dr. Weaver, I didn't hear you calling me."

"Why is Mr. Davis still in Exam one?" Weaver snaps at me.  I guess she was having a difficult time putting on a pleasant face as well.  "He should have been sent upstairs hours ago!"

"Um, I think we're waiting on a bed?"  Davis, Davis, which one is Davis?

"Well get a nurse to call up there and get him a bed NOW!  We need the room."  

I nod my head, and quickly turn around, hoping to escape before Weaver can corner me about the nursing shift.

"Oh, and Abby, " –crap- "I wanted to let you know that, um, Dr. Carter is on at noon today.  I have a meeting upstairs, so if you need anything, he'll be your attending." Kerri looks at me awkwardly, as if she wants to say something else, but decides against it and walks back to the admit desk.  She leaves me standing there with my mouth slightly open and in a state of complete shock.

Carter is back.  I guess a part of me knew he would eventually come back, but I certainly wasn't expecting it today, and I defiantly didn't think our first meeting would be here at County.  I look at my watch.  11:00.  He'll be here in an hour.

 ****************************************************************************

            I stand outside in the ambulance bay for a moment and take a deep breath.  It's odd to be back at County after spending close to seven months in Africa.  I was a different person in Africa.  I'm not sure how to act now that I am back in Chicago.  As I hear the sound of a siren approaching in the distance, I realize that I won't have time for self-reflection right now, and I square my shoulders and walk briskly through the Emergency room doors.

My first sight is a completely renovated triage area.  I see no familiar faces.  As I make my way to the admit desk I spot Jerry.  

"Dr. Carter!  I heard you were coming back!"

"Hey Jerry," I reply.  "Who are all of these people?"  I gesture to all of the nurses and other personnel that are busily working, none of whom I recognize.

"What can I say?  When you work at a place like County you have to expect a pretty high turnover rate.  How was Africa?"

How was Africa?  Africa was liberating, energizing, therapeutic, confusing, isolating, and humbling.  Africa was an experience unlike I have ever had, or will likely have again.

"It was good."  Jerry smiles and nods at my response.  "So who's on?"  I try to look around as casually as I can.

"Well, you and Weaver are the only attendings right now, and Weaver is upstairs in a meeting, so really its just you."

"Great," I reply sarcastically, "are there any Residents here or am I responsible for clearing the entire board by myself?"

"Pratt, Gallant and Cooper are here," Jerry says, "and Neela and Abby are on until four."

I look up quickly to see Jerry with a huge smirk on his face.  "There are only two nurses on?"

"No, there are only two med students on."

Now I am totally confused.  But before I have time to process this information, I hear a familiar voice.  And in the single instant I hear that voice, my heart leaps, I get butterflies in my stomach, and my hands begin to perspire.   And I smile.

"Look, if you want to sign out AMA, that's your own damn business.  But you need to sit down and be quiet so I can take this needle out of your arm before you bleed all over the floor."

I turn around and I'm surprised at the sight before me.  It's Abby, who obviously has not lost her way with words, but it's Abby in green scrubs and a white lab coat.  It's Abby as a med student.

She looks up and we make eye contact.  Her dark blonde hair is piled up messily on top of her head.  There are several stray wisps floating around her face, which looks tired, yet somehow more content than I had ever seen it.  She looks good.  She looks happy.  She looks beautiful.

"Hey Carter," she says.  "Welcome back."  She removes the IV from her hostile patient and then walks over to me.  "When did you get back?"

"About a week ago."  Her face falls for a moment, but she quickly brushes it off, and had I not been looking at her so intently, I probably would not have noticed.  "So. You're back in med school?"

Her face immediately lights up with pride.  "Yup.  6 months to go."

"What brought on this decision?"

"I had a really shitty day at work, realized that I'm smarter than any of the doctors here, and figured it was time to put them in their place."  

I laugh out loud at her response and reply, "Well, I'll try to stay in line then."  We both pause a moment and the mood suddenly becomes a bit more serious.  "Look, Abby I…."

"Carter, I have like a million patients right now, Weaver's been on my back all day and I don't think I've slept more than 6 hours in the past 5 days.  Can we please talk about all of this later?"

"Sure.  I just……"

"Hey!  Welcome back Dr. Carter!"  I turn to see Pratt walking towards me.  "There's a GSW to the chest coming in, care to join me?"

I sigh and turn back to say something to Abby, but all I see is her figure walking down the hall.

 ***************************************************************************

            I've successfully avoided any prolonged contact with Carter for over two hours.  I know that it is immature, but I really didn't think seeing him would unnerve me as much as it has.  I know at some point we will have to talk, but I just need to absorb the fact that he is back in Chicago first.  I head over to admit to pick up my next patient where I am greeted by a shocking sight.

Carter.

And a woman.

A beautiful woman.

A beautiful woman who is holding Carter's hand.

A beautiful woman who is holding Carter's hand and proudly showing Gallant and Jerry a picture of something.

I mean to turn around and walk away as quickly as I can, but Carter spots me first.  He immediately drops the woman's hand, and I swear he blushes slightly as he uncomfortably calls over to me, "Hey Abby.  I want you to meet someone."  

But I don't want to meet this person.  Please don't make me meet this person who may have the ability to squash any remaining hope that I have hidden away deep inside for Carter and I.  

"This is Kem. We, um, well, we met in Africa."

I hold out my hand and say, "Hi, I'm Abby."  

Kem smiles warmly at me, shakes my hand, and then holds out the picture.  "We just had our first sonogram upstairs.  Would you like to see?"

Sonogram?  Why would she have a sonogram unless she was pregnant?  Shit.  She's pregnant.  She's pregnant with Carter's child.  It took me seven months to get to a point where I wasn't constantly thinking of Carter and how much I missed him.  It took me seven months to regain my self-esteem.  It took me seven months to be able to be able to honestly say that I am happy.

It took Carter seven months to find a new girlfriend and start a family with her.

I suddenly feel nauseous, filled with hurt and anger that I had hoped I would never feel again.  I realize that Kem is still holding out the sonogram for me to look at.  I look up at Carter and see the concern etched on his face.  I swallow and decide that to take the high road.  I accept the sonogram and look it over.

"You're having a boy."

"Yes, we're so excited.  He's due two days before John's birthday."

"Well congratulations.  I'm happy for you."  I try desperately to think of a way to escape this conversation when Carter steps up.

"Why don't I walk you outside Kem."  Carter looks to me and I can't read the look on his face.  At first I think he's trying to silently apologize for the awkwardness of the situation, but then I realize it is a look of regret.  I don't know how to respond, so I simply state, "Nice to meet you," and then slowly walk away.  I just pray that I can make it through the remaining two hours of my shift without any more surprises.

  ******************************************************************* 

            I can't stop thinking about the look on Abby's face when she was looking at the sonogram.  I honestly didn't mean for her to find out that way; I think I had some sort of twisted idea that she would never have to find out.  But she did, and I feel that she deserves some sort of explanation.  Which is why I am walking up the steps to her apartment building right now.  Kem had been upset that I was going out so late without much of an explanation, but when she asked me why I had to go out I couldn't think of a truthful answer.  I just knew that I had to see Abby.

            When I get to the top of the stairwell I realize that I don't have a key and need to ring the buzzer.  My thoughts flash back to the last time I was here and the reception I received.

_"You just let yourself in?"_

_"I'm sorry I left the way I did."_

_"Can I have my key back please?"_

I sigh to myself and silently pray that I will be greeted differently tonight.  I ring the buzzer.  After a few moments I hear her sleepy voice answer.

"Hello?"

"Hey Abby, it's John."  There is a pause.

"Do you know what time it is Carter?"  I look at my watch.  

"11:20.  I know it's late, but, Abby, can I please come up?"  There is another pause and my heart pounds as I wait for her response.

"Okay.  But if I'm tired and bitchy at work tomorrow I'm taking it out on you."

I quickly walk up the stairs to her door, which she has opened slightly for me.  I hesitantly walk inside and look around.  It looks pretty much the same as it did before I left except for a huge pile of medical books stacked up on the kitchen table.  I notice that the usual faint smell of stale cigarette smoke is not present.  I wonder if she's stopped smoking.  I walk over to the couch where there is a faint murmur coming from the television.  There is a worn blanket sprawled out on the couch and I wonder if I've woken her.  I turn as I hear her padding in from the bathroom.

She is wearing blue pajama bottoms and an old gray sweatshirt that is two sizes too big for her.  It makes her small frame look tinier than usual.  Her hair is down, and she casually sweeps it out of her face as she approaches me.  It's longer than I remember it.  Her eyes look sleepy, which confirm my suspicions that she had been asleep.  She looks like she is dreading the conversation that is to come.

"Do you want some coffee or tea?" she asks, heading towards the kitchen.

"Tea would be great," I answer as I sit down at the table.  She joins me with two mugs of tea and looks at me expectantly.

"I'm sorry that you had to find out about Kem that way.  I didn't mean to spring it on you in the middle of the hospital like that."  I expect her to come back with a snide comment about how I shouldn't have taken her to the hospital then, but she surprises me when she instead asks, 

"What did you mean when you said you were lost but now you are found?" 

I look up at her, confused. "What?"

"You told Luka to tell me that you were lost, but now you were found.  What did that mean?"

I sigh loudly and look down at the table.  "I don't know.  I guess I just felt like I had more of a purpose over there, you know?  I mean the only expectation of me was to help people.  I could be whatever person I wanted to as long as I did that."  I suddenly feel the need to verbalize everything I had been thinking and feeling since Gamma died. "I mean, nobody over there knew who I was.  I could become whoever I wanted to be.  Nobody knew I was an heir to the Carter family fortune and nobody knew I was addicted to narcotics.  No one had any expectations of me as a chief resident, as a leader or as a boyfriend.  I was just John Carter, a doctor who was trying to help out in a region that could use all the help it could get."

I look up to see Abby looking intently at me, and I know that she has listened to every word I said.  "So how does being in Chicago fit into the mix?"

"I don't know.  I know now that I can't just ignore the past; it will always be a part of who I am.  But I also know that Africa has somehow changed me, and I need to figure out a way to mesh the two together."

Abby smiles warmly at me and says, "I'm sure you'll figure it out.  You're a survivor."  I see her start to reach for my hand.  My body anticipates the contact, but she stops suddenly, and the expression on her face changes dramatically.

"So how does Kem figure into all of this?"

I want to avoid this topic, but know that for Abby's sake I need to explain. "Kem and I were friends.  She was an aid worker at the same hospital where I worked.  We got together once and then decided we made better friends than romantic partners.  A month later Kem found out she was pregnant so we decided to come back to Chicago so the baby could get better prenatal care."

"So are you together now?"

"I don't know." I answer truthfully.  "I just want to do what's best for the baby.  I just want to be a good father."

Abby looks at me directly in the eye.  My heart skips a beat as she says slowly and deliberately, "You're going to make a great father John."  This time she does reach for my hand, and gives it a gentle squeeze.  

"Thanks," I reply, squeezing her hand back.  "That means a lot to me."  I notice that Abby is trying to stifle a yawn and she lets go of my hand.  I suppress the urge to grab it back.

"Well, I guess I better let you go to sleep."

"Yeah, I'm beat."  She pauses, as if she's not sure she should continue.  "I'm glad you stopped by tonight Carter.  And I'm glad you're back in Chicago."

A feeling of regret washes over me as I look across the table at her face.

"Me too."    

  ***************************************************************************

Author's Note:  Thank you to everyone who reviewed chapter 1.  You don't know how encouraging it is to know that there are people who are reading your story!

 Chapter 3 will be up soon; more Carter/Abby action to come!

Please Review!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer:  These characters do not belong to me.  If they did ER would be having a very different season.

Spoilers:  Up to and including 10.10 and 10.11

Summary:  Carter returns from Africa and he and Abby try to coexist at County.

Chapter 3

            I thought something might be wrong when Kem woke up at 4:00AM with stomach pains.  I told myself that they were probably just gas pains or indigestion, but something seemed a little off.  I knew something was wrong when Kem went to the bathroom and discovered she was bleeding.  She looked so terrified; her dark eyes were wide with worry and fear.  We immediately went to the hospital and I took her straight up to OB.  The doctor examined her and informed us that Kem was experiencing a miscarriage.  Kem instantly broke down into tears, while I stood there in complete shock.  The doctor left to give us some privacy and I sat down on the bed and simply held Kem until her sobs subsided and her body relaxed.  I wept silently while I held her, mourning the loss of our child, but also mourning the loss of Gamma, the loss of Bobby, and the loss of my innocence.

  ***********************************************************************

            I heard Carter and Kem were here when I began my shift in the NICU at 6:00AM.  Since they obviously would not have scheduled a check-up at that time, I knew that there had been a complication.  I debated until 7:30 whether or not to check on them.  I knew my presence would be extremely awkward, but I felt an overwhelming desire to see if Carter was okay.  Which is why I am now walking towards Carter in the OB waiting room.  His elbows are resting on his knees, and his hands hold his head as he looks down to the floor.  I sense that something is terribly wrong.

"Hey."

Cater slowly looks up.  His eyes are red, his face drawn, and I can tell he has been crying.

"Hey."

I want to ask him what happened, but I'm not sure if it is my place to do so.  The rules have changed since he's come back to Chicago, and I'm still uncertain as to what they are.  I make my way over to the couch he is sitting on and take a seat next to him.  It unnerves me to see him so upset.  The only other time I've seen him in this state was when his grandmother died.  We both face straight ahead and he solemnly says, "We lost the baby."

"John, god, I'm so sorry.  What happened?"

"She miscarried.  Doctor doesn't know why.  Said it just happens to some women."

"Is Kem okay? I mean, physically?"

Carter looks down at his hands before replying, "Physically, yeah, she's just fine.  She's asleep now.  She took it pretty hard though."  Carter swallows.  "It was rough.  I didn't know what I could do or say to make it better."  He pauses, and it looks like he might break down.  "I don't like feeling so out of control, you know?  I'm a doctor, and I'm used to having some kind of control over people's fate.  But then something happens like this and you realize that no matter what you do, life is always going to mess up whatever plans you have made.  It makes you wonder what the point of any of it is."

I glance over at Carter, who looks so defeated, and say, "Maybe we weren't meant to have so much control."  Carter turns his head to look at me.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know.  I just know that I've lived most of my life trying to control my situation and my feelings without a lot of success.  I've never let myself get too happy for fear of being hurt, and then if I was hurt I would numb that feeling with alcohol.  I'm starting to realize that it's important to take some chances in life.  And yeah, sometimes it isn't going to work out and it's not going to be okay, but then other times it is, and those times will be wonderful."

"Right now it is pretty hard to believe that this pain is worth it, and that anything will ever be wonderful."

"John, you know just as well as I do what happens when you spend life on the sidelines, always being careful and afraid to live.  Look where it got me. By myself, sad and alone.  You're going to have to find a way to work through your grief, or you're going to fall into a downward spiral of fear and self-doubt that I know from experience is damn near impossible to get out of."

Carter looks as if he might start crying and he chokes on his words as he says, "But you don't understand, I lost a_ child_.  How am I supposed to believe in anything again?"

I examine Carter for a moment.  His shoulders are slouched, he has tears in his eyes, and I find myself almost frightened to see him in this state.  I haven't seen him so vulnerable since he first returned from Atlanta, three years ago.  It feels like a lifetime away.  Since that time, our roles had significantly shifted.  I went from his strong, supportive sponsor to someone who was in constant crisis and in complete denial about my need for help.  John had been my rock for such a long time I had forgotten how to be his.  But as he sits next to me, on the brink of a breakdown, I remember how much I have always cared for him, and my desire to help him through this overcomes me.

"I'm not going to pretend I know what you are feeling right now.  But I can say that I know how I felt when I lost my child."  Carter's head jerks up.  "I had an abortion."

  *************************************************************************

            I am sitting next to Abby, silently absorbing what she has just told me.  I know that this is extremely difficult for her to talk about, so I wait patiently for her to continue.  I'm starting to think that she has no intention of continuing, and when she does start to explain there are tears in her eyes, and she speaks with such a quiet determination that I have to strain my ears to catch every word.

"It was when I was married to Richard.  I was 24.  I was still scared I might become bipolar, and was equally scared that I would pass the disease onto my child.  Richard and I barely saw each other, it's a wonder I ever got pregnant.  I was still drinking at that point, and I guess I just thought it wouldn't be right to bring a child into the world with so many strikes against it.  I know that it was completely my own decision, so I have no right to grieve, but I still think about it all the time."

She stops, and I think this is the end of the conversation.  I open my mouth to respond when she says, "The only people I've ever told are my doctor and my mother.  John, I wish to god I wouldn't have been so scared.  See, in the process of trying to control the chaos, I ended up missing out on a really great thing in life.  I think we both need to realize that we need to give up some control, even if there are risks involved."

I feel so overwhelmed with emotions right now.  I'm filled with grief over the loss of my unborn child and confusion about where my relationship with Kem goes from here.  But sitting here next to Abby, listening to her share these difficult memories with me in order to provide me with some comfort, I also feel a happiness that I have not felt in a while.

I reach over, place my hand on her knee, and say, "It means a lot to me that you told me."

She gives me a slight smile and replies, "It means a lot to me too."

  ************************************************************************

I'm sitting next to Carter, his hand gently resting on my knee, and I suddenly feel guilty.  Guilty for enjoying this contact with him after the ordeal he experienced this morning and while his girlfriend sleeps only a few rooms away.  I want to get up and leave, but as I look over to say goodbye, I notice that the tears have once again resurfaced in his eyes and I feel such a longing to wrap my arms around him and make all of his pain go away.  Before I realize it, I find myself reaching out to him and the next thing I know my hands are gently rubbing his back and his head is buried in my neck.  And I feel more content than I have in a long, long while.  

  ***************************************************************************

            Abby's right hand is tracing light circles up and down my spine while her left hand rests on my lower back.  One of my hands rests on the back of her neck while my face is buried in her hair.  Her warm body against mine feels so comforting that any guilty feelings I am having are quickly forgotten.  I find myself wanting to see her face, and as I pull back and look into her eyes I suddenly remember how incredibly beautiful she really is.  I reach out to brush a stray hair away from her face when the palm of my hand brushes against her skin.  I leave it there.  She closes her eyes and leans into my touch.  I am amazed how much better she can make me feel simply by being in my presence, and I'm having a difficult time remembering why we ever ended our relationship. She opens her mouth to say something when Neela bursts through the door.

"Abby! Finally, I've been…." Neela stops quickly as she realizes she has interrupted something.  "Um, excuse me, I'm sorry, but, um, Dr. Coburn has been looking all over for you and she sounds pissed."

Abby, whose face has turned a bright shade of crimson and is now sitting as far away from me on the couch as she possibly can says, "Thanks for the heads up.  I'll be right there."

"No problem," Neela answers as she quickly exits the room.

Abby slowly stands up and smoothes out her scrubs. "I guess I better get back."

As she turns to leave I call to her, "Thank you Abby."

She turns back around and looks at me quizzically.  "For what?"

"For listening to me.  For understanding.  And for still being my friend after the way I ended things."

She looks down at the floor for a moment, and when she looks up, I see that there are tears in her eyes. 

"Your welcome."

And then she is gone.

  **************************************************************************

Authors Note:  Wow, that was a really difficult chapter to write!  

Thank you to everyone who is reviewing, you are what motivates me to continue (that and all of the depressing spoilers that we keep getting)

Oh, and to those who are asking if this will be a Carby, if I told you that the ending would be ruined!  But the fact that they are pretty much the only characters in the story so far should be some sort of clue!

Please Review


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer:  These characters do not belong to me.  If they did ER would be having a very different season.

Spoilers:  Up to and including 10.10 and 10.11

Summary:  Carter returns from Africa and he and Abby try to coexist at County.

Chapter 4

            It had been three weeks since my encounter with Carter in the NICU waiting room.  I hadn't taken any nursing shifts during my NICU rotation, working there was difficult enough.  I have two days off before I begin another ER rotation, and I've decided to spend those two days on nurse duty.  I know the bill collectors will appreciate it.  I grab my purse off the counter, take a giant gulp of coffee, and head out to catch the El.

            By the time I reach the El station, which is only a few blocks from my apartment, my nose is numb, my teeth are chattering, and I'm wishing that I had just taken these two days to snuggle up on the sofa with a warm blanket and catch up on my sleep.  Just as the train pulls up, a sudden blast of frigid air hits me from behind and pushes me forward into the relative warmth of the El car.  I'm lucky enough to find a seat, and as the train pulls away and the world rattles by, I find myself wondering if Carter is working today, and from there I drift off into deep thought.

_………Tell me we're gonna be okay.     We're gonna be okay.  We're gonna be okay………………No, I think part of the rules should be that you have to splurge with me.      Is that how it works?……………………I'd never seen Oklahoma before.     No, I mean it………………I thought you already won the lottery.     I did, when I met you…………… …That's not true anymore.      Promise?  'Cause I really need something to hang onto right now.     I'm not going anywhere………………I want us to stop being so afraid, I want to stop being so careful, I want to marry you!_

The El comes to a screeching halt, and I am abruptly woken from my thoughts.  I silently admonish myself for reliving those memories, because although thinking about them brings me warmth and happiness, when I come back to reality and realize that particular phase in my life is over, a sadness overtakes me and a chill runs throughout my body.

 **************************************************************************

            I look over to the sliding doors in the Emergency Department for what must be the tenth time in the last five minutes.  Jerry had informed me when I arrived an hour earlier that Abby would be on at seven.  It was now 7:15 and I find myself anxious.  Anxious to see her, anxious to talk to her, anxious to just be around her.  I haven't seen her in three weeks, and the anticipation is killing me.  I hear the click of the doors as they begin to slide apart and I quickly look up to see her hurrying inside.  Her head is low and she quickly makes her way to the lounge to deposit her belongings.  I have seen her do this before and I know what it means.  She is late, and is trying to avoid a confrontation with Weaver.  I chuckle to myself as I remember all of the times she sucked me into being late with her.  I suddenly see Weaver storming towards the lounge and I realize she's about to be busted.  

"Dr. Weaver!  Could you come look at a patient for me in, um, exam 2?"

"No problem, I'll be there in 2 minutes Carter."  She continues to head towards the lounge and it becomes apparent that Abby will have to face her on her own.

  ***********************************************************************

            I've been stuck in the drug lockup doing inventory for the past two hours.  So what if I'm fifteen minutes late to work?  This punishment seems a little excessive.  I'm tired, bored and my back hurts.  Things must be pretty slow today, because no one has come to pull me into a trauma, and not many people have come by for medications.  I look at my watch and realize I still have another hour to go before my break when I hear a familiar voice.

"You know, you might want to get that thing fixed.  It seems to have gotten you into a lot of trouble this morning."

"Hey Carter."  I look up and smile.

"How long have you been in here?"

I sigh and lean against the wall.  "Too long."  I rub the back of my neck and ask, "How have you been?"

"I've been good.  A lot better than last time you saw me."

I will myself not to blush as I remember the intimate moment we shared the last time we were together.  I also remember the inappropriateness of that moment and I ask, "How is Kem doing?"

Carter's eyes immediately fall to the floor and he replies, "She's doing well.  I mean, I think she is.  I haven't spoken with her in over a week.  She went back to Africa."

I'm stunned, and the first thought that enters my head is please don't let Carter leave again.  "Oh."

Carter looks up at me and says, "The only thing that was really holding us together was the baby.  She was never really comfortable here.  Africa is her home."

Before I can stop myself I blurt out, "Are you going back?"

"To Africa?  No.  I mean maybe someday for a couple of weeks, but for now, you all are stuck with me."

I let out my breath, which I hadn't realized I had been holding.  "I'm sorry things didn't work out."  I surprise myself when I realize that I genuinely mean it.

"Thanks Abby.  I guess I wasn't as found as I thought I was."  He lets out a small laugh that I know is not genuine.

"Then I guess you're just like the rest of us."  

"I guess so."   The mood is starting to get a little bit serious, and I realize what a small space we are in and how close we are standing.  I begin to feel a little claustrophobic.

"Well, I better get back to work.  Weaver is already pissed off at me as it is."  I feel a mix or relief and disappointment as Carter nods his head and turns to go.  Suddenly he stops and turns around.  He has an odd expression on his face, and I can tell that he is struggling with whatever it is he is about to say.

"Hey, I was wondering.  I know this is really last minute, but I have this thing tonight, and I could really use some company."

"What kind of thing?"  I ask, skeptical.

"The foundation is having a dinner in honor of Gamma.  I'm supposed to give this speech.  If you can't, I understand, it's not going to be much fun.  I just thought it would be nice to have a friendly face in the crowd."

My heart skips a beat.  He wants me to go with him.  After all the times I have let him down, he still wants me there.  "Sure, I'll be there.  But I don't get off until 7:00."

Carter smiles when I answer.  "I have to be there at 7:00, so is it okay if I meet you there?"

"Sure."

"Thanks Abby."

            The rest of my shift goes by at a snail's pace.  I try to stop myself from becoming too excited, but the thought of spending an evening with Carter, even if it is just as friends, is something I thought I would never get to do again.  It is 6:00, and things are pretty slow, so I'm hoping Susan will let me go early.  Thank god Weaver left a few hours ago.  I head towards the lounge, hoping to find her there.  As I walk in, I see Susan sitting at the table, hunched over some charts.

"Hey Susan.  Catching up on paperwork?"

"Trying too.  I'm starting to think this is a hopeless cause."

"I have a favor to ask you."  Susan looks up with a questioning look on her face.

"I was wondering if I could duck out of here a little early.  See, I'm supposed to go with Carter to this thing for his grandmother…."

"You have a date with Carter!"  Susan's eyes light up and you'd think I just told her she had won the lottery.

"No, no. Not a date.  He just needs a friend there.  He's got to give a speech and I think he's a little nervous about it."

Susan rolls her eyes.  "Abby, please.  He didn't ask me.  He didn't ask Chen.  He asked you.  Trust me, it's a date."

I realize I'm not going to win this argument.  "Fine, whatever.  Can you just answer my question?"

"What?  Oh, yeah.  Of course you can leave early!"  Susan looks so happy; it's beginning to make me uncomfortable.  I open my mouth to thank her when Jerry pops his head in the door.

"Abby, line 2.  It's your brother."  

My brother.  My brother can't be on the phone.  Not now.  Please not now.

"I thought your brother was living with your mom in Minnesota."  

I look over at Susan.  "He was.  He disappeared a few months ago.  I haven't talked to him since then."  I slowly make my way over to the phone and pick up the receiver while Susan slips out to give me some privacy.  I'm dreading this conversation. As I slowly push the button for line 2, I pray that he is on his meds.

"Hello?"

"Abby?"

I take a deep breath.  "Hi Eric."

"Abby, thank god I got in touch with you.  I'm in a little bit of trouble.  I've been traveling around, visiting some friends, you know, catching up and stuff.  Well, I just realized I haven't seen you in, like, months, so I went to go buy a bus ticket to come to Chicago and I realized I was out of money.  So, I was wondering if you could come meet me out here and we could drive back together.  I think it would be fun, don't you?"

He's manic.  Off his meds.  And broke.  I want to fly out to wherever he is and make him okay.  I want him to be okay.  But I can't.  And I won't.  I promised myself I wouldn't.

"Eric, I can't do that.  We talked about this.  I can't keep doing this."

"Fine Abby!"  Eric is yelling into the phone so loudly it hurts my ears.  "Thanks for your help.  It's really great to know who you can count on in life.  Now I know, I can never count on you!"  And then nothing, all I hear is a dial tone.  And I wonder if I'll ever hear from him again.  I grab my purse and slowly walk out of the lounge.  Susan calls out to me from the admit desk, "Everything alright?"

"No."

  ****************************************************************************

            I've been stuck listening to one of Gamma's old friends for what feels like an hour.  She keeps telling me stories about when I was a child, and I've been smiling and nodding politely so long my head hurts.  Abby should be here any minute, but I can't seem to get out of this conversation to go meet her at the door.  I'm just about to rudely interrupt the woman, when I suddenly see Abby standing in the entryway, looking around for me.

            I hold back for a moment, silently taking her in.  She is wearing a simple, strapless black dress.  She has on small diamond earrings and a matching necklace.  Her hair is piled on top of her head with soft curls hanging down, framing her face.  She looks stunning.

"Um, excuse me Mrs. West.  I need to say hello to someone."  I make my way over to Abby, and as I approach her she spots me and smiles.  

I think my heart just stopped beating.

"You look amazing Abby."

She blushes a little and looks down at her feet.  "I didn't miss your speech did I?"

"No, but it's about to start.  I'll see you afterwards?"

She smiles and nods.

"Dr. Carter, we're about ready to begin."  One of the board members guides me over to the podium, and I find myself resentful that he has led me away from Abby so abruptly.  I look for her in the crowd as I am introduced, and as I stand up to give my speech I worry that I cannot see her.

"I want to thank you all for coming out to honor my grandmother.  She would have been upset at all the fuss we are making, but I also know that, deep down, she also would have been very touched."  Suddenly, the emotion of the moment overtakes me, and I find myself feeling the same grief I did the day I had learned she had passed.  I don't think I'm going to be able to continue.  I look out into the crowd, and my eyes are drawn to Abby.  She is looking directly at me, and gives me a reassuring smile and nods her head for me to continue.  I immediately feel comforted, and proceed with my speech.

After the ceremony has concluded, I make my way through the crowd, trying my best to avoid being sucked into another conversation with one of Gamma's old friends.  I find Abby standing in a corner, and her eyes light up when she sees me. 

"You did great John.  That was a beautiful speech."

"Thanks, I was really glad you were here.  I don't think I would have made it through without you."

"I'm glad you asked me to come."

I look around the room and realize that all I want right now is to be in a quiet room, alone with Abby.  "How about we sneak out of here and get something to eat."

Abby grins up at me.  "Sounds like a plan to me!"

            I just had one of the best evenings I've had in awhile.  Abby and I found a quiet diner and talked like we hadn't talked in a long time.  We talked about Gamma, growing up in the Carter mansion and the joys of being raised by my dysfunctional parents.  I told her stories about Africa, and how difficult it was to witness everything I did.  She told me about medical school and how she had to ask Richard for tuition money.  Now we are walking back to her apartment, and I find myself wishing that the night did not have to end.  I look over to her and see that she is rubbing her gloveless hands together.

"Hands cold?"

"Yeah, I left my gloves at work."

"Why don't you take mine for a bit?" I begin to remove my gloves but Abby quickly shakes her head.

"I'm fine.  Besides, I don't want your hands to get cold."

I smile and remove my right glove, gently placing it on her right hand.  I then grasp her left hand with my right.  "Now nobody has cold hands."

Her face looks flushed, and I tell myself it is because it is so cold out.  She gives my hand a gentle squeeze and says, "Thank you."  We continue to walk in silence, and I gently rub my thumb along her fingers.  We approach her building and I find myself wishing she lived on the other side of town so we could continue walking, her hand in mine.

"Do you want to come up for coffee or anything?"

I do, god knows I do, but I realize I have to be at the hospital in 10 minutes.  "Actually, I have a night shift, so I can't."

I pretend not to notice the disappointed look on her face as she simply replies, "Okay."

"Look, thank you again for coming tonight.  It really meant a lot to me to have you there."

"Your welcome John."

Then I do something impulsive.  I slowly lean down towards her face.  The closer I get, the more I can smell her perfume.  It's intoxicating.  I want to kiss her, to feel her lips against mine, but at the last second I panic and gently kiss her cheek.  "Good night Abby."

"Good night John."

As I make my way to the hospital, my heart is humming, I feel warm inside, and I can still feel the soft skin of her cheek upon my lips.

            By the time I make it back to County, my Abby induced buzz has begun to fade.  I realize that it will be at least 12 hours until I can sleep, and that is a rather sobering thought.  I spot Susan as I walk in and she waves me over.

"Hey Carter, did you talk to Abby tonight?"

"Actually I just came from her apartment."

"Is she alright?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't she be?"  I ask, a little confused.

"Her brother called right before she left tonight, and she looked pretty upset."

"Eric?"  My head is spinning.  She never mentioned anything about Eric.  In fact, she had avoided the topic of her family the entire night.

"Um, Susan, could you cover for me for a bit.  I want to make sure everything is okay."

"Definitely.  Just let me know if I can help, okay?"

"Sure."

            I make my way back to Abby's, wondering why she didn't say anything.  I ring the buzzer, and after a few moments hear her voice.

"Hello?"

"Hey Abby, it's John."

            She buzzes me in and I bound up the stairs, two at a time.  She is waiting at the door with a puzzled look upon her face.  "Did you forget something?"

As I make my way into the apartment I take in the site before me.  Abby is wearing gray sweatpants and a fitted white t-shirt.  Her hair is pulled into a loose ponytail at the nape of her neck, and her face has been washed clean of make-up.  She looks more beautiful than she had just an hour before.

"Susan said Eric called you?"  Her face instantly falls and she turns and walks over to the window.

"Yeah, he did."

"Is he in town?"

Abby stares outside at the passing cars for a moment.  Her eyes look incredibly sad.  "No.  I don't think so.  I honestly have no idea where he is."

I patiently wait for her to continue.  "After the incident last spring he moved to Minnesota to live with Maggie.  He did well for a while, but then he stopped taking his meds and disappeared.  I haven't heard from him in three and a half months.  He called tonight because he ran out of money and wanted me to come get him."

"But you didn't?"

Abby continues to stare out the window, but I can see her reflection, and notice her eyes have filled with tears.  "Before he moved back to Minnesota, I told him I couldn't keep rescuing him.  I told him I would support him in whatever way I could, as long as he was on his meds.  He knew that when he called, I guess he just thought I'd give in."

"Why didn't you?"

Abby turns and looks me squarely in the eye.  "Because I finally realized that I can't keep putting my life on hold."

I swallow and take in what she has just told me.  I find myself in awe of her strength.  "Why didn't you tell me tonight?"

"I don't know.  I guess I just wanted tonight to be about you.  For once, I didn't want my crazy family to take over."

I walk over to her and draw her into a hug.  After a moment I gently cup her face between my hands and quietly, but firmly, say to her, "Don't ever feel like you can't tell me something Abby.  No matter what, you will always be my friend."

The tears return to her eyes and she quickly pulls away, breaking the intensity of the moment.

"I better get some rest."

"Yeah, and I better get back to the hospital before Susan kills me.  Goodnight Abby."

"Good night John."

As I slowly descend the steps to the outside world, I realize that this is going to be a difficult shift, because all I will be thinking about is Abby, and what an amazing person she is.

  ****************************************************************************

Authors Note:  Thank you for all your encouraging reviews!  I know I've said it before, but they really mean a lot to me and truly motivate me to write more.  Also, I've borrowed some lines from previous episodes in this one, I'm sure all you Carbys out there know which ones I'm talking about.

Please Review!  __


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer:  These characters do not belong to me.  If they did ER would be having a very different season.

Spoilers:  Up to and including 10.10 and 10.11

Summary:  Carter returns from Africa and he and Abby try to coexist at County.

Chapter 5

            I am finally beginning my last rotation as a medical student.  It is in the ER, and in 12 more weeks I will be finished.  Part of me can't wait, and I hope that the next few months fly by.  However, there is another part of me that is scared to finish, scared to become a doctor, and scared to move on.

"Hey Abby!  Back on ER rotation?"  Gallant calls to me from the admit desk.

"Yup.  I've come back for more."

Gallant smiles warmly at me.  "Well, I'm glad you're here.  We're getting slammed today and could use all the help we can get."

I roll my eyes and say, "Great.  Just what I was hoping for.  Do I have time to put my stuff down and get some coffee?"

"Yeah, sure.  But when you're done could you work up the guy in Curtain 1?"

"No problem.  Give me five minutes."

I head towards the lounge and smile.  I'm glad Gallant is on, he's always been sweet to me, and ever since I went back to medical school he's done nothing but offer his support.  I push open the lounge door and am greeted by the sight of Susan getting coffee and Luka sitting on the couch.  They both look over at me with guilty expressions on their faces.

"What?" I ask.

Susan's expression quickly changes to one of relief.  "Oh, sorry Abby, we thought you were Carter.  It's crazy out there, but I really needed some coffee, but that means it's just him and Gallant out there right now."

"Uh-huh.  And what's your excuse Luka?"

"I can't find my patient and I thought she might be in here?"

"Sounds good to me, but I don't think Carter is going to buy it."

Susan laughs as she sits down at the table with her coffee.  "So in 12 more weeks you're done right?"

"Yep."

"Did you find out where your residency is yet?"

"No, I probably won't find that out for awhile."

"Where did you apply?"  Luka asks from the couch.

"A bunch of places.  Here, Northwestern, some hospitals in Minnesota…"

Just then Carter pops his head in the door.  "Susan!  Your patient pulled out her IV and is walking up and down the hall singing show tunes.  Could you do something with her?"

"Fine.  It's not like I needed the caffeine anyways," Susan grumbles as she storms out of the lounge, tossing her Styrofoam cup in the trash as she leaves.

I feel Carter's eyes fall on me and look up to find he has a huge grin on his face.  

"You're on today?"

"Nah, I just felt like hanging out in the lounge with my lab coat on."

Carter shakes his head and chuckles at my sarcasm.  He begins to say something but then notices Luka is in the room.  "Oh hey Luka."

"Hey Carter, I was just getting back to work."  Luka makes a quick exit, the guilty expression returning to his face.

"Did you hear from Eric again?"

"No, but my mom did.  She wired him some money for a bus ticket, and he's staying with her now."  I look down at the table; I'm still not that comfortable discussing Eric with Carter after everything that's happened.

"How's he doing?"

"Okay.  Maggie's trying to get him into therapy, but I..."

Haleh abruptly enters the room. "MVA coming in.  2 critical and 1 minor."

"ETA?"

"Pulling up right now."  

And with that, my day begins.

  **************************************************************************

            After 5 hours of trauma after trauma, things seem to be slowing down a bit.  The board is close to being cleared, and I only have one patient right now.  Unfortunately, she is a hypochondriac and has been following me around the hospital, describing a new symptom every five minutes.  I have called psych about ten times, but they have yet to make an appearance.  I'm walking towards Exam 2 when I hear her call my name.

"Dr. Carter, Dr. Carter…"

I duck into Exam 2 and quickly close the door and the blinds.  I stand still, silently praying she didn't see where I went.  I hear her walk by, still calling my name, and I let out a sigh of relief.

"Avoiding someone?"

I jump at the voice that comes from behind me, knocking over a tray of instruments in the process.  I turn to see Abby sitting cross-legged on a gurney with a large medical book sitting open on her lap.

"God Abby, you scared me half to death!"

"Well, it's not my fault you don't look to see who's in a room when you enter."

"Sorry, I think Mrs. Morrison is stalking me."

"Hypochondriac in Curtain 2?"

"That's the one!"  I look at the book in Abby's lap and ask, "Studying for boards?"

She lets out a groan and says, "Unfortunately."

"How's it going?"

"Not well.  I've taken two practice tests and failed both."

"Ouch."  I pause, wanting to offer my help, but not sure if she'll accept or if it is wrong for me to offer.  I haven't seen her since the Foundation dinner two nights ago, and I'm not sure how or if the evening changed the dynamics of our post break-up relationship.  The rational part of me wants to keep my distance, but another part of me just wants to be around her.  That latter wins this particular argument and I say, "I could help you study."

Abby looks up at me and I can see she's struggling with the same issues I am.  I'm hoping her decision is the same as mine, and I find myself holding my breath when she tentatively answers, "Okay."

I break into a smile and say, "Great!  What time do you get off?"

She looks at her watch and replies, "In three hours."

"I'm off in two. How 'bout I hang around for a bit and then we could go get something to eat while we study?"

"Alright."  Abby pauses, and I'm afraid she's changed her mind, but am pleasantly surprised when she says, "Thanks, John."

"No Problem."

I've got 30 minutes until I'm off, and another hour after that until dinner with Abby.  An ambulance is bringing in what will hopefully be my last patient of the day. When I walk outside to greet it, I see Abby has beat me to it.

"Okay Abby, what have we got?"

"Betty Allen, 71 year old female.  Fell in the shower, possible ankle fracture.  Seems to be a little disoriented."

I see a small girl with brown pigtails climbing out of the ambulance. "Who's that?"

"I'm Claire."

Abby squats down so she is eye level with the girl.  "Hi Claire.  I'm Abby.  Is this your grandmother?"

"Uh-huh.  Is she going to be okay?"

"Well, we've got to check her over, but it looks like it.  How old are you, Claire?"

"Seven."

"Where are your parents?"

"They're dead.  I live with Grams."

Abby stands up as I motion for her to come help me.  "Okay Claire, why don't you go with Haleh and I'll come get you as soon as we're done with your grandmother."

Claire nods her head as Abby and I wheel the woman into the hospital.

We've just finished examining Claire's grandmother, and it's pretty apparent that she is suffering from Alzheimer's disease.  Mrs. Allen seems to be completely unaware of her surroundings, and I'm wondering how she could possibly be taking care of a 7 year old.  Abby left to go get Claire, and I'm waiting for them to return.  I hear the door click open and look up to see Claire standing next to Abby, clutching her hand with a terrified expression on her young face.

"Hi Claire."

"Is Grams okay?"  She bites her bottom lip as she awaits my answer, reminding me a lot of Abby.

"Well, she broke her ankle, but we put a cast on it and it should heal just fine."  I stop for a moment and look at Abby, who then looks at Claire.  She sits down on a stool so that she is the same height as the girl.  She reaches out and tucks a loose piece of hair behind Claire's ear and says, "Claire, does Grams forget things a lot?"

Claire's eyes fill with tears and she whispers, "Yes."

"Is there anyone who helps her when she does forget things?"

Claire nods her head and answers, "I do."

"No, I mean any other grown-ups that help?"

Claire begins to get more upset.  "She doesn't need any one else to help!  I make us dinner, I know how to use the washing machine and I help her find things. I'm her big helper."

Abby gently grasps Claire's hands.  "I know sweetie, but we think your grandmother is sick, and she's going to continue to forget things, and it's going to get to be too much for even her big helper to handle all by herself."

All of a sudden Claire bursts into tears.  Abby immediately scoops her up into her lap and gently rocks her.  Claire cries against her shoulder for a moment, then pulls back and says in a voice so quiet I can barely hear,

 "Sometimes she doesn't know who I am."

Claire just left with a social worker.  We couldn't find any other family and she obviously couldn't go home with her grandmother.  It had been rough, and I could tell Abby had taken it pretty hard.  I walk out into the ambulance bay and see her sitting on a bench, fiddling with her hands and staring off into space.  I sit down next to her.

"You okay?"

"I don't think I'm the one you should be worried about."

"You know, there's still a good chance they'll find a family member she can live with."

Abby continues to stare into the distance.  "I know, it's not just that…."

I look at her and raise my eyebrows, silently asking her to continue.

"It's just, it isn't right that she had to grow up so fast.  I mean, she's seven years old for god's sake.  She's been taking care of her grandmother for who knows how long, and now she's basically all alone."

I know we aren't just talking about Claire anymore.  As I look over to Abby, who looks so small and sad, I come to the realization that there are always going to be moments like this for her, times when she simply can not control the pain she has experienced.  She's seemed so happy and self-assured since I've been back from Africa, I had forgotten exactly how much sorrow she has lived through.  I am overwhelmed with admiration for how far she has come, and I suddenly understand what a difficult journey the past eight months must have been for her.  I also realize that I want more than anything to be the one who helps her escape when her memories overtake her.

"Hey, are you off yet?"

Abby looks down at her watch and nods her head.

I stand up and hold out my hand.  "Well then it's time to hit the books.  Professor Carter is at your service."

She grabs my hand and pulls herself up.  "I just gotta get my stuff."  Then she turns and walks back to the hospital, and although I can't see her face, I somehow know she is smiling.

  *****************************************************************************

            I've just eaten more food than I thought was humanly possible.  I think it was a subconscious ploy to avoid studying.  Studying has always been my least favorite part of school.  Carter, however, seems to be enjoying looking through my textbooks and is getting some sort of sick pleasure from quizzing me on what feels like thousands of procedures and terms.  It's kind of unnerving actually.  I bet he was the kid who answered every question correctly in school.

"Okay here's a tough one." 

I roll my eyes at him and whine, "Can we please take a break?"

"Fine.  I've already passed the test, I don't care."

"I would shut up if I were you."

He does, and I feel bad.  He's only trying to help.  I decide to change the subject.

"So how are things at the Foundation going?"

He looks up, confused.  "What?"

"How are things at the Foundation?  I figured since we went to that dinner the other night you were becoming more involved."

Carter shakes his head and I notice he has begun to fidget with his fork.  "Actually, that's the only thing I've done.  Although the board keeps hounding me to meet with them."

"Didn't your grandmother make you president?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I just thought if you were president you'd have to be a little involved, that's all."

Carter continues to play with his fork, and I can tell he's becoming agitated.  "I don't know why she made me president.  Dad was the one who was interested in dealing with all of this.  She knew I didn't want anything to do with it.  Sometimes I think she did it just to piss us both off."

My thoughts drift back to over a year ago when we had a similar discussion.  I remember it ending in an argument, and with Carter dropping me off at my apartment where I spent a rare night alone.  I hesitate to pursue this conversation further, but something inside me tells me to press the matter. 

"Maybe she thought this would be the best thing for the Foundation."

"Why would she think that?"

I take a deep breath and continue.  "Maybe she thought that you could take the Foundation in a better direction than your father could.  John, you have such a passion to help people.  Maybe this was your grandmother's way of acknowledging that.  I know you feel guilty for having so much money when there are people in the world who have next to nothing.  But John, your grandmother has given you such a great opportunity."

"You know, I never really thought of it that way.  I just always figured it was another one of Gamma's attempts to control my life."

"Maybe it was.  It just seems like you have a chance to make a difference in a way that few people can."

Just then the waitress comes by to check on us.  "Can I get you anything else?"

Carter looks at me and I shake my head.  "I think I'll explode if I have anything else."

Carter breaks into laughter and the waitress walks away with an annoyed look on her face.

Carter asks, "Do you want to study anymore?"

"No, my brain is stuffed too."

"Well, I don't want any part of you to explode, so let's get outta here."

We pay the check and head out after Carter offers to walk me home.  It's only a few blocks, and I would be perfectly fine walking by myself, but I accept his offer.  I try not to smile too much when he casually grasps my hand with his.  As we make our way into the night, I realize how incredibly grateful I am that our friendship is back in my life.

  *****************************************************************************

Authors Note:  Well, this chapter was supposed to be angst-free.  Didn't quite make it, but hopefully it was a little bit more light-hearted.  Two more chapters and a possible epilogue to go!

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far!  Knowing people are reading and actually enjoying this story gives me warm fuzzies!

Please review! 


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer:  These characters do not belong to me.  If they did ER would be having a very different season.

Spoilers:  Up to and including 10.10 and 10.11

Summary:  Carter returns from Africa and he and Abby try to coexist at County.

Chapter 6

I found out that I passed my boards today.  Which means that in one week, when my ER rotation is over, I will officially become Dr. Lockhart.  I haven't felt this giddy in a long time.  I haven't told anyone yet, and I am a little embarrassed why.  I wanted Carter to be the first person I told. After all, he did spend two months helping me study.  Twice a week we would go out to eat after work and he would go over practice tests with me.  After I took the exam, we continued to go out, even though there was no reason to.  Neither one of us brought that up, however.  It's nice to have his friendship back, even though it's painful when I realize that I blew my chance at having something more.  I'm happy though, and I can't wait to share my news with him.  I look at the clock on the wall and see that he should be at work by now.  I decide to peek in the lounge and see if he's in there.  I open the door and see him at his locker, taking off his jacket.

"Hey Carter."

He smiles when he sees me.  "Hi Abby.  I was just coming to look for you.  Can you take a short break?"

"A short one. What's up?"  We walk out of the lounge towards the ambulance bay.  When we are outside he places his hand on the small of my back and gently guides me over to a bench.  I smile at his touch, and am disappointed when he places his hands in his lap after we sit down.

"I wanted to tell you what I did last night."

I raise my eyebrow and wonder if I really want to hear this.  Carter senses my hesitation and quickly continues.

"I went to the Foundation's board meeting."

"Good for you!"  I am genuinely pleased to hear that he is becoming more involved.

"Let me finish.  I went to a board meeting so that I could present a few ideas I have had about the direction I want the Foundation to take.  They liked my ideas, so in the next few months some new programs will be up and running."

"What kind of programs?"

"Well, we're going to sponsor doctors to travel to developing countries, kind of like what I did when I went to Africa.  And we're also going to try to open a free clinic here in Chicago.  We may even go into some of the poorer schools and give the kids free exams and shots."  

Carter looks so proud right now I can't help but smile.  "That's really great, John.  I'm proud of you."

He looks down and I think he may be blushing a little.  "Thanks.  I probably wouldn't have done it if it hadn't been for our talk."

"What are friends for?"  I suddenly remember my news.  "Oh hey, I have some news too!"

Carter looks up, intrigued.  "Oh yeah?  What's that?"

"I found out I passed my boards.  In one week I will be done with med school."

Carter quickly pulls me into a hug.  "Congratulations!  I knew you would pass!"

I pull back, a little embarrassed by Carter's sudden display of affection.  "Sure you did, that's why you always looked so confidant when we were studying together and I was constantly giving you the wrong answers."

He doesn't respond to my sarcasm and instead says, "I'm only on for a half shift.  How about we go celebrate our victories after work?"

I wish I could, I really wish I could.  "I have a nursing shift."

"Can't you blow it off?"

I shrug my shoulders.  "I need the money."

Carter opens his mouth to respond when an ambulance pulls up.  I guess my break is over.

  **************************************************************************

            The ambulance doors open up and a man is wheeled out.  I can tell right away that his chances won't be good.  I listen to Doris as she gives me the bullet; auto versus pedestrian, 56 year old male, weak pulse, wife is okay…… I look up to see if Abby wants to run this one.  She looks very pale and I'm about to ask her if she's all right when I hear Haleh say, "I've lost a pulse!"

"Okay, let's get him into Trauma One NOW!"

After we get him inside we shock his heart until we get a rhythm.  I begin to instruct Abby to intabate, when I realize she is just as pale as she was outside and also has a look on her face I've never seen before.  I don't know what to make of it until I hear Haleh talking to the man's wife.

"What is your husband's name?"

"Robert Wyczenski."

I instinctively turn my head towards Abby and our eyes lock.

_It's my dad._

_I know._

"Malik, go get Neela."  My eyes are still on Abby and she shakes her head and quickly backs out of the room.  I turn my attention back to the patient, and we proceed to work on him, trying to get him stable enough to go to surgery.

            We've worked on Abby's dad for well over an hour.  His heart stopped beating twice.  He's currently on a ventilator, and Pratt is speaking to his wife about how long she wants him to stay on it.  He's not going to make it.  I need to find Abby.

I reach the door leading to the roof of the hospital, and I begin to feel nervous about what I may find on the other side.  There is no question in my mind that this is where Abby has gone, I'm just uncertain what state she is in.  I walk out onto the roof and see her looking over the Chicago skyline, a cigarette in her left hand, her right clutching the railing.  She looks over to me as I approach and notices me looking at her cigarette.

"First one in four months."

I continue to walk towards her.

"I figured it was better to fall off the wagon with one of these instead of what I really want right now."

I finally reach her.

"How's he doing?"

"Not so good.  He's on a ventilator, and probably won't come off of it."

Her face gives nothing away.  "Did he ever regain consciousness?"

I shake my head and she turns so that her back is to me.  She drops her cigarette and stamps it out with her foot.  She then folds her arms across her chest and says, "I haven't seen him in over 25 years."

I lightly rub my hands up and down her arms, hoping to provide some sort of comfort.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to feel right now.  I always thought if I saw him again, I'd tell him how pissed off I was, you know?  I mean, he abandoned us.  He couldn't handle Maggie, so he left his seven year old daughter to do it."

I change my light rubs to gentle squeezes, desperate to take some of the pain away.

"But the second I saw him, and I knew it was really my dad, I just wanted to throw my arms around him and tell him how much I missed him."

Her voice begins to crack and I know she is crying.  I turn her around so she is facing me and hold her tightly in my arms.  I feel her body shaking, and I continue to hold her, lightly kissing the top of her head every so often, waiting for her cries to subside.  As we stand there, I begin to become angry.  Angry at the world for everything it has put Abby through.  Her father left her as a child to deal with her family.  Her mother continually abandoned her and Eric, and when she was around was completely unpredictable.  Her husband cheated on her, and now her brother is sick with the same illness that gave her such a difficult childhood.  I know that I could easily be added to this list of people that have hurt her as well.   That realization makes me sick to my stomach.  God, Abby, I am so sorry.  I never wanted to be someone who caused you pain.

Abby pulls back and as I look down at her tear-stained face, I notice how incredibly tired she looks.  

"Do you want to get out of here?  I could talk to Weaver."

"No.  I have a nursing shift."

"Abby, I'm sure you could find someone to cover for you."

She shakes her head.  "I told you earlier, I need the money."

"I'll lend you the money. What's it for, rent?"

"No, it's for Eric."

For Eric?  Abby must sense my confusion because she elaborates.

"I told you he was living with Maggie, right?  Well, he got a job and is doing really well, but his insurance doesn't kick in for another month."

I'm still confused.

"He doesn't have any money for his meds."

"I thought you said you were going to let him make it on his own for awhile."

Abby looks at me pointedly and says, "No, I said I wasn't going to support him anymore unless he was seriously trying to get well.  And he is.  So yeah, I'll do whatever it takes."

"You don't have anything put away you could use?"

Abby lets out a sad little laugh.  "No, anytime I've managed to save anything I've had to use it for emergency plane tickets, or to pay Maggie's hotel room bills, or hospital stays in the psychiatric ward."

"Why don't I give you a loan?"

"I don't think that would be such a good idea."

I want to pursue the matter, but I know she'll say no, and I also know that right now she has other things on her mind.  She's walked over to the edge of the roof and is staring off into the distance.  She lights another cigarette and turns to look at me.  I am overwhelmed with the sadness I see in her eyes.  I can't believe that just a few hours earlier we were talking and laughing.  She had seemed so happy and carefree.  And now, once again, her life has been turned upside down in an instant.  It's all I can do to stop myself from scooping her up in my arms and promising to never let anyone hurt her again.  But I know that I can't make that promise, and, more importantly, I know that I lost my chance at being the one who makes those kinds of promises to her.

"Could you do something for me?"  Abby asks in a quiet voice.

_I would do anything for you_.

"Of course."

"I have an hour in between shifts.  Would you go to a meeting with me?"

I'm floored.  Abby has never asked me to go to a meeting with her, even when we were dating.  She was always so hesitant for me to see that she was struggling, that she needed someone.  I reach out and take a hold of her hand.  I look down and see how tiny and fragile it looks in mine, and I don't ever want to let it go.  I use my other hand to wipe a stray tear from her face and reply, "Let's go."

She shakes her head and says, "There's something I have to do first."

  ******************************************************************************

            I slowly walk into the trauma room.  I am greeted by the sound of the steady beep of the heart monitor and the gentle whirl of the ventilator.  I slowly walk towards my father and my mind is suddenly flooded with memories.  I stop, and I contemplate turning around and running away from the situation, but I don't.  Because I know I need to do this.  I need to do this in order to let go and move on.

"Hey Dad.  It's Abby."  I sit down a stool next to the bed and silently watch him for a moment.  I watch the steady rise and fall of his chest and look at the lines in his face that were not present the last time I saw him.

"I wanted to tell you that I'm okay.  I don't know if you ever even thought about me, but I thought you should know that."  I pause and look down at my hands for a moment before I continue.

"I also wanted to tell you how much I hate what you did to our family.  You left me with my baby brother and crazy mother.  If you couldn't handle her, how did you expect me to?  I was seven years old.  I'm angry that you made me grow up so fast.  I'm angry that Eric never even got to know you.  I'm angry that I've spent so much time wondering why I wasn't good enough for you, why you didn't love me enough to stay."  I violently wipe away the tears that are gathering in the corners in my eyes.

"But most of all, I'm angry at myself for all of the times I wished you would have taken me with you when you left."  I can barely see his face through the blur of my tears, which are now freely flowing down my face.

"Of all the hospitals in the world, I don't know why you ended up here.  But I'm glad I got the chance to see you.  I've wanted to tell you these things for such a long time now.  And I also want to tell you that I forgive you.  I'll never understand why you did what you did, but I'm going to stop letting it affect my life now.  I love you Dad.  I'm not sure why, but I do."

I stand up, and slowly lean down to lightly kiss his forehead.  I turn around and walk out the door, not looking back.  I have never in my life felt so emotionally drained.  I head towards the sliding doors and into the ambulance bay, where I know Carter is waiting for me. I see him pacing back and forth, and when he sees me he freezes.  He looks worried.  I know I must look terrible.  I walk over to him and he wraps his arms around me.  I instantly feel safe, and I close my eyes and try to pretend today never happened.

"Are you okay?"

We both know this is a silly question, of course I'm not okay.  But when I look up into his eyes to answer I say with complete honesty, 

"No, but I will be."

  *****************************************************************************

Author's Note:   Okay, one more chapter to go!  In the next chapter Carter and Abby will finally come to a decision about their relationship.

Please, please, please review!!!


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer:  These characters do not belong to me.  If they did ER would be having a very different season.

Spoilers:  Up to and including 10.10 and 10.11

Summary:  Carter returns from Africa and he and Abby try to coexist at County.

Chapter 7

"See you later Carter!"

"'Bye Susan!"  I wave as Susan goes home after working the night shift.  I've just come in and am pleased to see that the board is almost clear.  Hopefully it will stay that way.  I have something I need to discuss with Abby, and if it remains this slow, we'll be able to sneak out for a while.

"'Morning Dr. Carter."  I look up from behind the admit desk and see Neela and Abby walking in together, each with a coffee in hand.

"Good morning.  Hey, this is your last day as med students, right?"

"Yup!" Abby replies cheerfully.  I'm glad to see her smiling.  It's only been a week since she saw her dad, and I've been worried about her. I've noticed that in the past week she has spent a lot of time by herself on the roof.  But for some reason, I know she is going to be all right.  She has an aura of peace that I've never seen before.  We've been going to meetings together, and I know that she is serious about keeping it together.  I am incredibly proud of her.

"Did you find out where you matched yet, Abby?"  Neela's question brings me back to reality and I realize I never even considered Abby wouldn't match at County's Emergency Department.

"No, but I think our letters should come today."

Neela sighs, "I wish they would just let us know!  The wait is killing me."

Suddenly, the wait is killing me too.  As nonchalantly as possible, I ask Abby, "So, where all did you apply?" 

"Here, Northwestern, a couple of places in Minneapolis, and 2 hospitals in California."

I swallow.  "California?"

She shrugs her shoulders and grins.  "It was 20 below when I had to send in my application."

This information is too much for me to take in.  It never even crossed my mind that Abby might not live in Chicago anymore.  I mumble something about getting back to work and leave Abby and Neela to discuss their residency applications.  I quickly walk into the bathroom and try to gain my composure.  It is then that I remember the reason I had been so anxious for Abby to get to work this morning.  I exit the lavatory and spot her coming out of the lounge.

"Abby!"

She turns and walks towards me.  "What's up?"

"I need to talk to you about something.  Want to meet for lunch?"

"I'm having lunch with Neela.  You know, to celebrate our last day."

I try not to look disappointed.  "Okay, how about after work?"

"Sure, everything okay?"  Abby frowns and a look of concern appears on her face.

I nod my head reassuringly.  "Everything's fine.  There's just something I want to run by you."

"Okay.  Come find me when you're done!"

Abby turns and walks down the hall.  I am trying to remember why we are so wrong for each other and how much we have hurt each other.  It's difficult.  It's almost as difficult as trying to convince myself I'll be okay if she matches somewhere other than County.

  **************************************************************************

            Today has been one of the longest days of my life.  I'm dying to find out where I've matched.  I was actually off 20 minutes ago, but I've been waiting around for my letter.  Part of me really wants to stay at County; this has been my home for so long.  However, there is another part of me that hopes I won't be living in Chicago anymore.  I love it here, but being in such close proximity to Carter has become increasingly difficult.  We've restored our friendship, which has been wonderful, but it has become harder and harder to be around him. It's difficult for me to know that friendship is the only thing we'll ever have, and also to know that if I wouldn't have been so scared, we could have had so much more.

"Hey Abby, we could use a little help in here!"

I look up from the chart I am reading to see Malik calling for me from the trauma room.  I quickly put on some gloves as I enter the room.  I see Carter, Malik and Sam working on what looks to be a bad MVA.

"Abby, we need a central line."

I grab a central line kit, and for the next 30 minutes we work to stabilize the patient.  It becomes obvious that the man is not going to make it, but Malik has the patient's brother on the phone, and he's asked that we do whatever we can so that he can come see him before he dies.  There's nothing more we can do at the moment, so I discard my gloves and leave the trauma room.  I walk over to admit when I see Frank waving an envelope at me.

"Is this what you've been hanging around for?"

I snatch the envelope from him, and quickly head towards the lounge.  It's amazing how one piece of paper has the ability to change my life so dramatically.  I am suddenly nervous to open it.  I decide to wait until I'm home, and I grab my coat out of my locker and head out towards the ambulance bay.  I see Carter sitting on a bench, and I remember that we were supposed to talk after work.

"Hey Carter!  You off yet?"

"Yeah, but I wanted to wait until that MVA's brother got here.  You going home?"

I nod my head yes.  Carter stands up and says, "He's not going to be here for awhile and I still need to talk to you.  Want to go for a walk?"

            We've somehow ended up at the river.  Back where it all began.  Where Carter told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore.  Where I told him I was waiting for something to happen with us.  Where we came to talk so many times.  Where we became so close that it's become almost impossible to remember what my life was like before he was in it.

"What are you thinking about?"

I give Carter a small, wistful smile.  "Nothing."

Carter nods his head, and I know he knows exactly what I was thinking about.  "So, I have something for you."

"You do?" I ask curiously.  I see Carter reach into his pocket and pull out a piece of paper.  "What's that?"

"It's an application."

I'm confused.  "For what?"

"Well, we've developed a new program at the Foundation.  It's a program to aide families who need financial assistance to pay their medical bills."

"That's a great idea Carter.  That's going to help a lot of people."

"That's my hope.  And I wanted to give you this."  He hands me the application and I stare at it for a moment.  I suddenly realize why he developed this program.  I quickly hand him the application and look down.

"I told you Carter, I'm not going to take money from you.  It just wouldn't be right.  Eric and I will manage.  We always have."

Carter sighs and I can tell he is frustrated.  "I know you can do this by yourself Abby.  But you don't have to.  I've been watching you kill yourself these past few months, it amazes me that you have so much love for your brother.  But, Abby, it's okay to accept help.  I'm not giving you money; you'll have to apply just like anyone else. Abby, you don't have to do this all by yourself."

I'm trying really hard to stop myself from crying.  After all the pain Eric and I caused John, he still wants to help.  And I realize he's right, I don't have to do this by myself.  I gently take back the application.

"Thank you John."

He smiles and looks pleased.  As I put it into my purse, I see another envelope I had almost forgotten about.  I slowly pull it out and Carter looks at me quizzically.

"Match letter?"

"Uh-huh.  I haven't opened it yet."

"Why not?"

I shrug my shoulders and proceed to open the envelope.  I slowly unfold the paper inside.

"Well?"

I look up and see his beautiful brown eyes staring into mine.  I don't know if it is because we're on our bench at the river or because of the kindness John has just shown me, but I suddenly know that I can't keep doing this anymore.

"County."

A huge grin and what appears to be a look of relief washes over his face.  That look quickly disappears when he sees the sadness on my face.

"You didn't want County?"

Yes, I wanted County.  I wanted County so much it hurt.  But the reason I wanted County is exactly why I am now so upset.  I know Carter deserves some sort of explanation, and I know, for once, I need to say what I am feeling.  I take a deep breath and look at Carter.

"I did want County.  But Carter, I just cant' keep doing this anymore."

"Can't keep doing what?"

"Let me finish.  Carter, when you left for Africa and sent me that letter, I hated you.  I hated you for hurting me like that, and I hated you for being the first person to call me on all of my insecurities and fears.  I realized you were right, and then I hated myself for throwing away the best thing that ever happened to me."  I stand up and walk over to the railing, looking out over the river.

"I decided I was going to turn my life around, to stop being so afraid and start being honest with myself.  And for the most part I have.  It hasn't been easy, but I have.  And in that sense, I'm happier than I've ever been."  Carter stands up and leans against the rail beside me.

"And I'm so glad that we've regained our friendship.  I truly am.  But if I'm going to continue to be honest with myself, I can't keep doing this."

"Doing what, Abby?  Talking to me?"

I turn so that I am looking directly at Carter.  "John, you told me once that you didn't want to be my friend.  I want to be your friend more than anything, but I can't.  It hurts too much.  I know I can't change the past, and I'm not saying this in hopes that we'll get back together; I know it's too late for that.  And I also know that I brought this upon myself.  But I can't lie to myself anymore, and I can't keep being around you when every time we part I feel like my heart is being broken all over again."

I realize I am about to lose my composure, and I pick up my purse and turn to look at him one more time.

"I love you John.  I know I don't have a right too, but I do.  I honestly do."

I turn around and walk away.

  ******************************************************************************  

            I'm standing here in complete shock.  Abby loves me.  I've waited so long to hear her say those words to me, and I can't help wonder why she couldn't have said them a year ago.  I want to chase after her, but I force myself not to.  

_She hurt you, John.  She closed herself off, and wouldn't let you in.  You have to let her go._

I instead head back towards the hospital, unsure of what to think or feel right now.

            When I make it back to County I learn that my patient's brother has arrived.  I sigh, I'm going to have to tell him he is not going to make it, and after the previous events, I don't know if I can take another emotional scene.

"Mr. Atwater?"

A man in his early forties stands up and I walk him back to his brother.

"Oh god, this looks bad."

"Mr. Atwater, do you know what a DNR is?"

I proceed to explain his brother's condition, and Mr. Atwater decides to take him off life support.  I am about to leave the room to give him some privacy, when he calls out to me.

"Doctor?"

I turn around and walk over to the bed.

"Can he hear me?"

"Probably not, but we can't know for sure."

"It's just, well, I wanted him to know how much I love him."

I look down at the floor, slightly uncomfortable.  "I'm sure he knows."

Mr. Atwater shakes his head.  "No, he doesn't.  We haven't spoken in 15 years.  See, my girlfriend cheated on me.  And I found out it was with my brother.  I never forgave him.  I found out later he hadn't even known it was my girlfriend, but at that point I was too proud to talk to him.  I wasted 15 years of my life being mad at him.  Now I'm never going to have a chance to speak to him again."

I'm not sure what to say, and I start to turn around to leave when I hear him say, 

"If only I wouldn't have been so stubborn.  If only I'd been able to let go of the past and see what a wonderful person my brother was.  Things would have been so different."

As I walk out of the room and into the lounge to gather my things to take home, I can't get the words of Mr. Atwater out of my head.

_If only I'd been able to let go of the past._

_Things would have been so different._

_I love you John._

_I honestly do._

All of a sudden I feel as if a ton of bricks have been lifted from my shoulders.  I realize that my life is in my own hands, and I know what I want.  I know what I've wanted for the past three years, and finally, I am not afraid to go get it.

_I want Abby._

_I need Abby._

_I'm going to be with Abby. _

            I quickly make my way to Abby's apartment with a determination I did not know existed inside of me.  As I approach her building, my stomach is doing flip-flops, and I'm not sure if it is from nervousness or anticipation.  Probably a little of both.  I finally reach the top of the outside stairs when I hear someone call my name.

"Dr. Carter!"  I turn around to see a familiar man ascending the steps behind me.

"Yes?"

"Jake McAllister.  You're Abby's friend, right?"

I nod my head, still not sure how I know this man.

"I live across the hall from Abby."  Oh, right, now I remember.  "I haven't seen you for awhile."

I step aside to allow Mr. McAllister to unlock the door.  "No, I've been away," I say as we enter the building.  

Mr. McAllister walks over to the mailboxes.  "Well, I'm sure Abby is glad you're back.  I hope we'll be seeing you around a lot more now."

"Yeah, I hope so too."

I proceed to climb the stairs to Abby's apartment.  It's not until I am standing at her front door that I realize how incredibly nervous I am.  I take a deep breath and knock.  I wait for a moment and then hear her feet padding over to the door.

"Hello?"

I smile at the sound of her voice.  "Hey, it's John.  Your neighbor let me in."

I hear her undo the chain, and then hear the click of the lock.  The door slowly creeps open and I feel the warmth from her apartment wash over me.

And there she is.

She's wearing the same blue pajama pants and gray sweatshirt she had on the first night I came to see her after I had come back from Africa.  Her hair is pulled into a ponytail and her cheeks are flushed.  She looks absolutely stunning.

Suddenly, I can't deal with the small distance between us.  I take two steps forward and we are so close I swear I can hear her heart beating.  I lean forward, tilting my head downwards, and place my hand on her chin and tilt her head up towards mine.

I kiss her.

It's a gentle kiss, eyes closed, lips barely touching, but it's enough to make the room start to spin.  I feel dizzy with excitement, and feelings I have been suppressing for so long come boiling to the surface.  We part for a moment and I look deeply into her eyes.

"I love you too."

Her eyes well with tears, and her mouth curves into a slight smile.  And I find her completely irresistible.

I lean down to kiss her again.  This time, however, it is a strong, passionate kiss.  A kiss between two people that have denied themselves for so long.  I feel Abby's hands running up and down my back.  I gently remove her hairclip and run my fingers through her soft hair.  I sigh against her mouth as I smell the familiar scent of her shampoo.  I can't get over how perfect her lips feel.  We stand in the doorway for awhile, kissing and caressing each other.  God, this feels so right.  We find ourselves slowly walking towards the bedroom, not parting for even an instant.  When we finally reach our destination, Abby sits down on the edge of the bed.  I gently tug at the hem of her shirt, looking to her for approval.  She nods yes, her eyes fixed firmly upon mine.  I remove her shirt, and before I can even take in the sight before me, I feel her removing mine.  We lay down on the bed and I hold her close to me.  I'm amazed at how good her warm skin feels upon mine.  I pull back for a moment to look at her face.

_I'm so sorry I hurt you Abby._

_I know.  I'm sorry I hurt you._

We look at each other a moment longer, both of our eyes filling with tears.  I pick up her hand and gently kiss her fingers, and then our desire overtakes us.  I roll Abby onto her back, and as I kiss her and touch her, I realize how incredibly lucky I am to have gotten a second chance with the most incredible person I have ever known.

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            I'm lying here, next to Carter, and I can't remember a time when I have ever felt this happy.  Carter is lying on his back, my head resting on his chest, and I can tell he has drifted off to sleep.  I, however, find that I cannot sleep; I'm too scared I will wake up and find this is all a dream.  I lift my head for a moment to look at John's face when I realize his eyes are open.  He sees me looking at him and rolls over onto his side to so that he is facing me.

"Hi."  He reaches out and gently tucks my hair behind my ear.  "Everything okay?"

I nod my head, but he doesn't look convinced.

"You sure?"

"Yeah.  I just can't believe this is really happening.  I thought I had lost you for so long, and now, well, it's just a little overwhelming."

"Overwhelming in a good way?"

I lean forward and gently kiss his lips.  "Overwhelming in an amazing way."

He smiles at my answer, and slowly strokes my cheek with his thumb.

"I really do love you Abby."

I close my eyes for a moment, and when I open them, he's still there, smiling at me, his hand gently caressing my face.  And I know this is real.

"I know.  And I really love you."

And I do.  More than I ever thought I could.  I guess sometimes people do get happy endings.

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Author's Note:  See, it is a Carby!  I wanted to say the inspiration for this last chapter came from the Norah Jones song, "The Long Day is Over," which is also the name of the fic!  Listening to that song makes me think of Carter and Abby, and what it might be like when tptb finally get their shit together and reunite these two.

Thank you for all of the wonderful reviews.  They make my day.

I will be posting a short epilogue soon!

Please Review!!!!


	8. Epilogue

Disclaimer:  These characters do not belong to me.  If they did ER would be having a very different season.

Spoilers:  Up to and including 10.10 and 10.11

Summary:  Carter returns from Africa and he and Abby try to coexist at County.

Epilogue

            It's Christmas Eve.  I've been home for most of the day.  John gets off at 8:00, and I've been busy cooking what is turning out to be a pretty nice Christmas dinner.  I have to work tomorrow afternoon, but we worked out our schedules so that we could spend Christmas Eve and morning together.  Just the two of us.  I smile at the thought.  We've been back together for almost seven months now.  We both thought it would be best to take things slow, but it didn't really work out that way.  Once we found our way back to each other, we pretty much spent all of our free time together.  After the second month, I casually gave him his key back, trying not to make a big deal out of it.  John played along, but I think we both realized the significance.  Now we are pretty much living together.  I can't think of the last time John has spent the night at the mansion, and that is perfectly fine with me.  I walk over to the oven to check on the turkey, when I hear the ring of the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi sweetie, it's Mom."

"Hi Mom. What's up?"

"Well, Eric and I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.  I know you have to work tomorrow and I wanted to make sure I had a chance to talk with you."

"I should be home in the morning, how about I call you then.  I'm kind of in the middle of making dinner."

"Sure sweetie, but don't forget, okay?  We miss you!"

I smile into the phone. "I miss you guys too.  Merry Christmas, Mom.  I'll talk to you tomorrow.  Tell Eric I love him."

As I hang up the phone, I'm surprised to find I really do miss them.  John and I had gone up to Minnesota for Thanksgiving, and we actually had a wonderful time.  I had been nervous about inviting John to go with me; my family can still be a touchy subject with us.  But when I told him I was going to spend Thanksgiving with my mom and Eric, I swear he actually looked proud. I asked him if he wanted to come with me, and to my surprise, he said yes.  No one I've ever been in a relationship has willingly volunteered to spend time with my family.  John and Eric got along great, and Maggie was very welcoming.  It was the first time in a long while I had a stress-free visit with my family.  But even though things had gone so well, John and I agreed that we wanted Christmas to be just the two of us.  And that couldn't make me happier.

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            As I head home from the hospital, I think back on the past few weeks and how incredibly happy Abby has been.  After we came back from Minnesota at Thanksgiving, it seemed like the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders.  We never discussed it, but I think it was the first time she ever truly believed that Maggie and Eric would be okay.  When we got home, she jumped into the Christmas spirit with a gusto I had never seen before.  We bought a Christmas tree and put up lights at the apartment.  She's even cooking us Christmas dinner tonight.  She still has her sarcastic, cynical side, but the edge has been taken off, and she just seems happier.  I like to hope that at least part of that is because of me.

I finally reach our apartment, yes, I do refer to it as _our_ apartment, and I smile to myself as I retrieve my key out of my pocket.  I remember the day she gave it back to me.  She tried her best not to make it a big deal, but I know that deep down it was her way of telling me the past was behind us.  I turn the lock, and when I push the door open I am greeted by the scent of pine from the Christmas tree mixed with a delicious odor coming from the kitchen.  The sound of Christmas carols is coming from the stereo.  I shake my head and chuckle.  Abby Lockhart is listening to Christmas music.

"Hey Abby, I'm home," I call out as I remove my coat and lazily throw it onto the end of the couch.

Abby walks into the living room and flashes me her gorgeous smile.  

"Hey.  It's going to be awhile till dinner.  I thought you weren't going to be home until 8:00."

"Susan let me go early."  I walk over to where she is standing and wrap my arms around her small frame.  "Merry Christmas," I whisper into her hair.

Abby looks up at me, still smiling.  "Merry Christmas."

She pulls back and casually pushes her hair away from her face.  "I need to go check on the turkey, I'll be right back."

I watch her as she walks into the kitchen.  I suddenly realize how amazingly happy she makes me, and how there is no place else I'd rather be right now.

And I know.  She's it for me.

"I want to give you one of your presents now."

Abby turns away from the stove with a mischievous grin on her face.  "You know the rule, Carter.  No presents until Christmas morning."

"I really want to give you one of your presents right now."

She walks over to me, and I can see she is intrigued.  "Fine, but don't think you're getting anything before tomorrow morning."

"It's a deal," I reply.

We walk over to the couch and I pick up a package about the size of a shoebox from under the tree.  I sit down next to Abby and hand her the gift.

"Shoes?"

"Just open it."

I watch her face as she unwraps the paper.  The soft lights from the Christmas tree make her face glow, and she looks absolutely stunning.  She opens the box and rummages through the tissue paper inside. 

"Carter, I think you forgot to put the present in."

I sit in silence as she continues to remove the paper when she suddenly freezes.  

"John."

I gently take the box from her and pick up the ring that she has just found.  The same ring she found almost two years earlier, under much different circumstances, and hopefully, with much different results.

I hold her hands in my own and take a deep breath.

"Abby, I know we agreed to take things slow, but I think four and a half years qualifies for taking things pretty slow.  I'm not denying that we have our problems, we probably always will.  But I know now that we can work through those problems together.  I've lived with you in my life, and without you in my life. And I am so much happier when you are in my life."

I let go of her hands and gently cup her face.  I look into her eyes and notice they have filled with tears.

"I love you Abby.  You are the only person who has ever made me feel this way.  And I know that I want to be with you for the rest of my life."

I take another deep breath.

"Abby, will you marry me?"

I'm still cupping her face, and she closes her eyes for a moment.  When she opens them, there are still tears in her eyes, but there is also a twinkle that I've never seen before.

She slowly nods her head yes.

And then she throws her arms around me, burying her head in the crook of my neck.  I can feel her wet tears against my skin, and I have to admit, tears are beginning to fall from my own eyes as well.  She lifts her mouth to my ear and whispers,

"I love you so much, John."

I pull back and hold her left hand in my own.  I gently place the ring on her finger.  She looks down at it for a moment and then looks up at me and smiles.

"It's a perfect fit."

I grin and pull her into a kiss.  She then turns around so her back is resting on my chest, and as we settle back onto the couch, I wrap my arms around her, holding her as close to me as I can.

And I know.  We're going to be okay.  We're going to be okay.

The long day is over.     

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Author's Note:  That's all folks!

As I said in the first chapter, this is the first time I've written fanfiction, or fiction of any kind for that matter.  I truly enjoyed this process, and I wanted to thank everyone who has taken the time to read this story, and a special thanks to those who reviewed.  As a first time writer, it meant a lot to me.

I also want to encourage all of you Carbys out there who are having a hard time dealing with these new spoilers to try writing.  It made me feel better to know that, at least in my world, these two end up together.

So please leave a review, either for this chapter or the story as a whole.  Or maybe even both!


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